hands.jpgImagine yourself at a wedding.  You’ve just met with one of your oldest and closest friends and are exchanging salaams and “how do you do’s”.  Just then, you see your friends parent (opposite your gender) approach your circle.  Your friend says salaam, you say salaam, the uncle/aunty says salaam, and then they go in for the kill.

The next thing you know, the uncle or aunty is reaching in for a hug, a pat on the head, or even a kiss on the forehead.  You’re feeling awkward and extremely uncomfortable.  But you don’t know what to do! This aunty or uncle has known you since you were in diapers.  You feel like he or she could double as your own parents.  But the fact of the matter is that the person isn’t your actual parent, so if they’re touching you, it isn’t okay.

But then you think to yourself, “Yea… it’s wrong, but I don’t want to offend him or her.  I’m just like a baby to this person.  What’s the harm?  I can’t reject their love by not accepting this affectionate gesture.”

Or can you?

Many of you have probably gone through a situation like this before and felt very confused.   On the one hand we all respect Islamic morals of gender relations but on the other hand we also respect our elders and their feelings.  So how can we possibly “disrespect” them by telling them we don’t want them to touch us because it is Islamically not allowed.

Ma’qal ibn Yassaar (may Allaah be pleased with him) who said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘If one of you were to be struck in the head with an iron needle, it would be better for him than if he were to touch a woman he is not allowed to.” (Reported by al-Tabaraani; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 5045).

Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: “The hand of the Messenger of Allaah never touched the hand of any [non-mahram] woman, and he used to accept their oath of allegiance in words only.”

Clearly it is better for us to not touch people of the opposite gender, young or old.  We can’t compromise this standard of Islamic conduct.  So now what?  How do you break it to the aunty or uncle that you would prefer to keep your relationship with them strictly non-physical.

Admittedly it is extremely difficult to say anything directly to the aunty or uncle.  One alternative I’ve found is having someone else talk to them for you.  It’s best to find someone who knows you both well, and understands where you’re both coming from.  For example, I’ve spoken on behalf of my husband on a couple of occasions to aunties and relatives that want to show him some love.  I know where he’s coming from, so I can represent his feelings properly, and at the same time I can talk to the adult gently about it in a joking way, so as to not hurt their feelings.

This method has worked for me and my husband.  Has anything else worked for you?