New Love, New Fears, New Hopes

I’m officially a mom!  Alhumdulillah alla kulli haal.

I delivered a baby boy on Tuesday, September 28th, 2010 at 12:23AM.  He was 6lbs 11oz, and 19 inches long.  We named him Abdullah Yusuf Shafi, and he is the most beautiful person I’ve come to know in my life

A lot of people have been asking, “So, how does it feel to be a parent??”  I’d sum it up with one word:  uncontrollable.  Never in my life have I felt so much that Allah controls everything, and I have absolutely no control.  For one, I can’t control the love that I have for my son.  If you think about it, I’ve hardly known the kid for 12 days, yet he is the single most important person in my life now.  All I want is what’s best for him, and I’m not sure why.  It perplexes me that I love him so much, but I don’t even know him, and I have no “real” relationship with him.  As one person said it best, “If weren’t for the mercy of Allah placed in the heart of a parent, their children would be the number one people that they hate.”  Honestly, I couldn’t agree more.  The love and connection I have to my son is one that I couldn’t even dream of building myself–it is completely from Allah.

Not only are my emotions and feelings uncontrollable, but what happens to my son is uncontrollable.  I have come to realize that no matter how much I want things to be one way for my son, only Allah can control what the reality is.  This is most evident in the fact that Abdullah has a large hole in his heart (VSD).  He’ll be needing surgery in the next few weeks (du’as requested, please!).  Alhumdu’lillah he has a great cardiologist and surgeon lined up to work on him, but still I know that ultimately what happens to my son is not controlled by the doctors, but rather Allah.

Whew, talk about a lot of feelings to sort through!  New love, new fears, and new hopes.  May Allah make this new relationship that I have with my son, one that helps us both attain jannah, ameen!