The Best Planner

If you remember from 2 posts ago, I mentioned that we found out Abdullah has a hole in his heart. We found this out when he was 1 week old (we celebrated the one-week moment in the Peds-ICU).  At the time we were told he might be transferred to a hospital to have surgery to close the hole.  I was scared, confused, and worried that such a small baby was going to have to go under the knife.

Well, it’s been 5 weeks since then, and Abdullah is now 6 weeks old.  He still has a hole in his heart, so you can imagine that means he still hasn’t had his surgery.

On the one hand, this is great news.  Alhumdulillah, Abdullah is doing really great.  Of all the symptoms that a child with a VSD can show, Abdullah only has one– his heart beats fast.  Otherwise, he’s eating well, gaining weight, sleeping well, not turning blue, breathing just fine, blood pressure is great, and the oxygen concentration in his blood is almost always at 100% Awesome!  I couldn’t be happier.

On the other hand, because he’s doing so great, the cardiologist has decided to postpone the surgery until an undecided date.  This worries me.  This worries me because the reason why we’re postponing the surgery is because he’s doing so well.  In my mind this is the perfect time to do the surgery:  here you go, surgeon, a healthy baby to operate on, with no complications! But apparently, a healthy baby isn’t a good enough reason to operate.

Okay, I get it.  The cardiologist said that we need a good enough reason, on paper, to operate.  On paper, Abdullah’s vitals are awesome, and we’re still not 100% sure the hole won’t close on its own.  The moment we can say otherwise, we’ll get a green light to operate.  In other words: if his health takes a turn for the worse (ie, congestive heart failure) then we’ll have a reason to go in for surgery.

I don’t want to wait for that to happen!  As a mom it makes me crazy at home, just watching him for signs of congestive heart failure.  Every time the poor kid works up a sweat because his mommy has him wrapped too tight in a blanket, I can’t decipher if he’s sweating ‘cuz he’s hot, or sweating because his heart is having a hard time pumping.  Or, when he’s drinking his milk, and he gets a little out of breath, I don’t know if that’s because he’s just hungry and drinking too fast, or if it’s because his lungs just aren’t strong enough for him to do the work.

I’m scared.  I’m scared, a lot.  I’m scared about all the time in between now and the surgery.

One of the tasks I’ve been given by Abdullah’s cardiologist is to make sure he stays healthy before his surgery. His heart can’t handle any type of infections (flus, colds, etc.)  This means that Saqib and I have basically locked ourselves in the apartment and are keeping visitors away.  But I don’t know how long that’ll be effective in keeping him healthy.  It’s one thing to keep “germy people” away… but what about germy parents??  What if I get sick, or Saqib gets sick… then what??  Do we stay away from Abdullah?  Is that realistic?  The chances of one of the two of us getting sick is going to increase as the winter months get closer and closer.  I’m not sure how long we can go without any germs in our apartment…

*sigh*  I guess all I can do is 1) trust in Allah and 2) listen to the doctors.  They are the professionals, afterall–they did go through years of medical school.  I’m guessing that the cardiologist is an expert on heart problems and probably knows what he’s talking about.  But, unfortunately, the maternal voice in my head is starting to get louder and louder, and it’s getting harder for me to shut it up.

“…and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.” (Surah Baqarah: 216)

This is true in all matters of life.  Sometime we think we’re the experts on our life and that we know what’s best.  Nope.  Allah knows what’s best, always.  Sometimes we don’t get why we have to do something, or wait, or whatever.  But in the end, we should remember that Allah planned something for us, and He is the Best Planner.

I guess wanting surgery soon may not be a good idea, and postponing it could be better for Abdullah–and that’s really all that I want.  Allah knows, and I don’t.  Gotta give it up to that.

In the meantime, I’m going to try my best to be patient and think happy thoughts:  sometimes I like to close my eyes and revisit my hospital room, Tuesday morning, on September 28th.  It was just me, my husband, and my baby:  no holes, no surgeries, no heart problems.  insha’Allah my family will come back to this feeling again.

اللَّهُمَّ رَحْمَتَكَ أَرْجُو فَلَا تَكِلْنِي إِلَى نَفْسِي طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ

وَأَصْلِحْ شَأْنِي كُلَّهُ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا أَنْتَ