During Hajj one of the girls in my group kept a check list of all the things she made du’aa for.  As she asked, she’d scribble it down, whether it was something small or big.  And as her du’aas were answered, she physically checked them off her list.  It was a way for her to truly appreciate that Allah is AlMujeeb and does in fact answer our call, whether they are for watermelon after a long day or walking around Mecca, riding on top of a bus, a bottle of clean water, or (hopefully) having all our sins forgiven.

Since I’ve come back I’ve tried to keep a mental checklist of the things I made du’aa for, in the past, during Hajj and up until now.  It is very satisfying to “check” some of my du’aas of my list   There are some major ones, and some minor ones, but the minor ones are not any less significant.

Anyway, try it out for yourself.  Keep a checklist and keep it updated.  Insha’Allah it will make you more grateful to Allah for all the things that He has given to you just because you asked

Everytime I think about Hajj I just get sad.  Sad that I’m home again.  Sad that I don’t have the opportunities I had while I was there.  Sad that I can’t see my group mates on a bus at 4:00am going to the masjid to catch Fajr.  Sad that I can’t stand in a sea of honking busses, engrossed in fumes and smog.  Sad that my feet aren’t aching from all the walking.  Sad that the adhan is not blasting all around me reminding me that salah is the most important part of my day. Sad, sad, sad.

I’m so pathetically sad that the other day when I heard a Jay Z song about New York, it reminded me of being in Mecca and I started bawling.  That’s right, Jay Z brought me to tears.  Sad, sad, sad.

So I’m sorry that I won’ be talking about Hajj on my blog.  I got the feeling that some of you were looking forward to reading my reflections, but I just can’t doi t.  I can’t make myself miserable over the loss of such an amazing time in my life.  Hajj is done and gone.  And everytime I sit down to write on my blog it’s like someone is opening a wound and throwing it in my face.  Hajj is now just a memory to me, because it’s over.  And I’d rather keep my memories to myself.

As for all of you, readers of my blog, if you want to know about Hajj–GO!  Everyone you talk will tell you it’s the most amazing experience ever, and we aren’t being paid to tell you that.  It’s because it IS the most amazing experience ever.  And it IS the best trip you’ll ever take.  And when you go, you’ll understand how I feel.

May Allah make it easy for all of you to go for Hajj and comeback utterly speechless and longing to go back again, ameen.

So to start myself off, I thought I’d pick a funny story, to make myself laugh as I think back to Hajj.

On the 11th of Dhul Hijjah, Saqib and I set out from our tents in Mina to make Tawaf Ifadah and Sa’ee.  It took us almost one hour to walk out of Mina, one hour on a school bus to get to the Haram, one hour to find something to eat and pray dhuhr, and then finally start.  I was exhausted before tawaf had even started!

We were making our laps around on the top floor.  It was midday, the time between dhuhr and asr.  We had chosen the top floor because the first floor was packed “from the windows to the wall.”  There were people all the way from the edge of the Kaabah, out to the edges of the main floor.  We had originally tried to make tawaf on the second floor, because we’d be covered from the midday sun and plus because certain parts of the second floor are air conditioned.  But that was serving to be difficult because of all the pillars inside, bookshelves, wheel chairs, and taped off areas from construction.  With no other choice we went to the third floor.

I like the third floor of the Haram, especially at Fajr.  It’s a pretty peaceful place.  Most of the other floors are jam packed all the time, with a pretty chaotic crowd.  But there’s something about tawaf and prayer in the open air with sun and clouds above you that makes it more… peaceful.  It’s also generally more quiet up on the roof.  Typically the crowd consists of elderly Hajjis that are wheelchairs, so you’ll just hear the softest humm of their wheels, mixed with other people’s feet shuffling past you.  The only time it’s ever “loud” on the 3rd floor is when someone is in a wheelchair behind you and they want you to move out of the way.  They usually hiss at you…like a snake.  And you’re supposed to get the clue, and move to the side.  It’s kinda nice, because it doesn’t distract you too much as you make tawaf and are concentrating on making du’a and dhikr.

So imagine my surprise, while making tawaf on the third floor, I heard a Saudi guard yelling at everyone to “Shway-ya!”  I was focused on making du’a, and I looked up startled.  What was the big deal?  What was going on?  Why was everyone slowly shifting to the left?  Was there a wheelchair coming up behind us with someone really important?

Nope.  I looked around, trying to see what all the fuss was about, and then I saw it.

There, on the white marble floor, that was sparkling in the midday sun lay a giant pile of brown poop.  And a few feet in front of it, another pile of poop.  And yet another few feet in front of that, another pile of poop.  Someone had gone to the bathroom while making tawaf!

My initial reaction was to laugh, hysterically!  Who poohs in the HARAM!  Did the person make wudu?  Had anyone stepped in it?  Who discovered it there?

But then I felt bad, because I realized that it was probably an elderly man who was sick and couldn’t control his bowels.  I imagine he’d have felt pretty embarassed and a little uneasy as he dashed out of the haram to clean up and make wudu again.  Poor old chap.  Hope he’s okay.

Anyway, the Saudi gaurds took real good care of the whole situation.  On our next lap, they had taped off the area.  On the lap after that they were washing it away with some water and soap.   The lap after that they were drying off the area.  And then finally, the next time I came back to the area, they were gone and so was the poop.

The funniest part of all of this was the 2nd time Saqib and I came around past the whole area.  Some people were just seeing the poop for the first time.  We walked past an old uncle and what appeared to be his own son.  They were astonished and curious to see what had happened.  And the father very excitedly told his son, in a thick desi accent, “Look behta!  Somebody pooped!”

Saqib and I over heard them, and even though we already knew what had happened, we just wanted the uncle to say it again.  So we asked him what the whole problem was, and he announced it once more, “Somebody pooped!”

This is difficult!  Lots of people have been giving us lots of advice–sometimes it is conflicting.  For example, I had an aunty tell me not to worry about shopping here, because as soon as I get to Mecca anything I need for the days of Hajj I can find there on my own.  Literally five minutes later, another aunty told me the exact opposite!  She said to make sure I buy and pack everything I want and need from here so that I don’t have to waste time looking through a gazillion shops in Mecca.

Packing for the days of Hajj is probably the most difficult part of all the packing itself.  I want to make sure I have everything that could possibly come in handy while I’m “roughing it” in Mina, but at the same not over burden myself with a ton of things I’ll have to carry around from Mina to Arafa to Muzdalifah. 

I’m also confused about what is the best thing to wear during the days of Hajj.  Initially I was told to wear skirts under my jilby’s so that going to a dirty bathroom would be less problematic.  But then I was informed of the dreaded chaffing… no details needed here.  Cotton pajama pants seem messy and kinda of shabby looking to me.  So yesterday I found myself at Sports Authority trying to find some pants that are made for intense physical activity.  I think I may have been swindled, but so be it. 

Packing for my body is one thing, packing for my heart is another.  I’m planning on taking Fortress of the Muslim and a pocket Qur’an.  A very sweet colleague of mine gave me a very very tiny janamaaz to pray on.  And another teacher gave me a tasbih, which I’ll probably use during Tawaf and Sa’i (it’s sunnah to make dhikr on the fingers, not on beads).  Is there anything else I should be taking?

Do any of you Hajj/Umrah veterans have any really good tips??  Please share!  I’ve got 4 days left to pack what you suggest

One of the preparations people make before leaving for Hajj is to seek forgiveness from the people they may have wronged.  This isn’t necessarily an obligatory part of leaving for Hajj, but it’s one that those preparing to leave  like to take.  Hajj wasn’t always easy, and so when people would go, they left expecting the worst–death.  And if they were going to die, they wanted to tie up any loose strings–this included injustices done to others.

With that in mind, I’ve been apologizing to people for the past week or so.  It’s so… strange.  I don’t know how to start the conversation.  It’s kind of a random thing to mention to people.  My conversations usually go like this:

Me:  So… I’m leaving for Hajj.
Person:  Really? Wow!  Mubarak!  May Allah make it easy for you.
Me:  So… I wanted to apologize if I’ve ever done anything wrong to you, behind your back or to your face.  I’m really sorry…
Person:  (cutting me off) You?  Ayesha?  Please!  You’ve never done anything!
Me:  Er… are you sure?   I mean I could’ve said something behind your back that you wouldn’t have liked…
Person:  (cutting me off again) You?  Give me a break!  No way!  All is forgiven.

All of my conversations have gone this way.  I’ve yet to meet someone who has hesitated to think about the very real possibility that I’ve done something wrong to them.  And here’s the killer… a lot of the people I’m apologizing to, I’m doing this specifically because I know I DID do something wrong to them.  But I don’t know want to bring up past grievances, or throw a bad situation in their face, or bring to light something they didn’t know about.  That seems like it’d do more harm than good.

It’s actually really painful and embarassing to realize that the person I’m apologizing to has such a sweet idea of me in their head, and that they have no idea how mean or horrible I was to them when they weren’t around. It’s really starting to get to me.  I’m starting to feel like such a bad person.  I’m constantly thinking about all the times I’ve shared a “juicy” story (juicy because I was eating flesh, I imagine) or even listened in on one.  I’m having to track down people from middle school and high school to apologize to them.   It’s really a terrible trip down “memory” lane.

*sigh*  May Allah make it easy for the people to forgive me–even though I probably don’t deserve it