I’ve completed 15 of the 40 weeks.  Alhumdu’lillah everything is going well.  I haven’t had many problems at all.  I’ve thrown up on two occasions, and I don’t really think the baby was to blame.

The hardest part for me has been my really poor sleep during the night.  During the day I get pretty exhausted from being on my feet at work all day.  When I come home in the afternoon I usually try to take a nap but all I can think of is all the things I have to get done in the mean time.  Then at night I can’t seem to get comfortable, or my body is just… awake. 

It’s a really weird feeling.  I can’t feel the baby moving just yet (even though apparently it’s conducting aerobics classes daily) but when I can feel is *something*.  There is definitely something going on in there.  Like a factory is on, and there are wheels turning and churning and things coming off an assembly line.  It’s really bizarre.  I don’t know how some women can go months without knowing their expecting.  There is just too much activity going on inside me for it to be anything else… may be a large tape worm?

Plus my appetite has changed, significantly.  I’m usually a fan of spicy food, but in the past few months I’ve lost all interest in eating anything overly spicy.  All I want is bland or sweet.  It’s the sweetness that weirds me out, because a lot of foods I would once never consider eating are turning into favorites.  For example, I was never a big fan of sweet and sour Asian food, but these days I’ll order anything that sweet or comes with plum sauce… very bizzare.

I’ve had more food aversions than any cravings–I think this is pretty common.  It’s just wierd because I’ve turned away from foods that I love.  Things that are overly cheesy don’t look so good to me anymore.  I don’t like eating guacamole that much either.  There was a brief period of time when I didn’t want to drink Coke… that didn’t last very long

Out of everything that’s going on and changing, I think the most exciting is that I got to hear the heart beat at a few appointments.  The first time I heard it I think it sounded like a washing machine, just a lot of quick swoosh swoosh sounds.  Since then whenever my doctor has to spend more than 5 seconds finding it, I get a little tense waiting for that little heart beat.  I don’t ever want it to disappear or stop beating… at least not in my lifetime.  Alhumdu’lillah every time Saqib and I do hear it the doctor says everything sounds good and is normal

I’ll try my best to keep the updates coming, but until then, keep my husband, me and our little bump in your du’as!

December 6th, 2008

Through this new series I hope to share with you my thoughts on the epic weddings that I attend, one failure at a time.  But I also want to hear about experiences with epic weddings that turned out to be epic failures.  I don’t want to this become a series where I just bash on people who spend a lot of money on weddings.  I want there to be some good to come from this and come up with ways to advise the people on how to make their weddings more Islamically sound and socially acceptable.

So hold on to your ghararahs and shirwanis, because this is going to get interesting!

My first topic of choice is going to be targeting the program of an epic wedding, and what causes it to become an epic fail.

American-Desi Wedding

Weddings in the motherland don’t normally run into this problem.  People back at home know what is important at a wedding–the marriage contract and dinner.  The problem starts stateside, where desis are now trying to incorporate American cultural norms and traditions into our cultural norms and traditions to create some type of blockbuster summer wedding program extravanganza.

What do I mean?  Well at a typical non-Muslim American wedding there is the actual wedding ceremony in a church followed by a reception.  Usually at the reception there are some set parts of the evening:  the bride and groom are received by guests as the new Mr and Mrs; the best man and the maid of honor each propose a toast; the cake is cut; there is the first dance; and last but not least, the bouquet is thrown into a crowd of the bride’s friends.  Each of the moments is expected and takes very little time.  There are only two speeches–which are toasts, and only take about a minute or two max.  All of these practices, by the way, are appreciated by all the guests, because there are only about 100 of them there!  Nothing takes up a lot of time because there is not a huge crowd to manage.

In our weddings, on the other hand, there are about 500 people, average.  So if there is going to a be a program, it requires a lot of planning–planning on a conference-size level.  Planning that requires all the guests have arrived (on time, not a chance), that they are seated (busy eating a samosa, sorry), that they’ll all show interest in what you have to say(not going to happen, because no one cares what your chacha has to say about you.) 

Too Many Speeches

As it is, maybe if desis stuck to having the TWO toasts/speeches it’d be manageable.  However, at some weddings I’ve seen a list of 17 names lined up to give a speech.   And what is it?  Usually someone’s nana is calling in via conference call to say salaam.  Someone’s old mamu gets up to read a poem in a language half the crowd doesn’t understand.  The father stands up to give a list of who came from where, and how much it was appreciated they could make it.  The best friends come up to bash on their bride/groom friend.  Siblings reveal embarrassing and horrible stories about living with you, playing it off as “loving advice” to your new spouse.  A slide show plays featuring some of your ugliest pictures and some of your best… both types something you’d probably not want a crowd of hundreds to see.  And so on, and so forth.  It’s a night of “laughs and tears”…

Let’s be honest, no one besides your closest friends or family cares about the program.  Therefore, if you wanted to say all your loving/embarrassing words to the bride or groom say it at home where people want to hear it.  Don’t bother your guests with the longest program ever that is going to keep them from dinner.  After a while it just feels like each person on the microphone is a hurdle between the guests and their dinner plate… guests shouldn’t be forced to feel this way!

The Walk In

Besides speeches, desis have also adopted some of the other traditions of an non-Muslim American wedding.  For example the bride and groom are received by all the guests as a new Mr. and Mrs.  Okay, that’s fine if all the guests are there on time.  The couple just has to walk in.  But as we all know, no one comes on time to a wedding, so the bride and groom are sometimes forced to wait for everyone to arrive to be received by the guests.  This is rather ridiculous because they’re missing their own party!  And what’s worse is, that 17-name speaker list I mentioned earlier isn’t going to start until the bride and groom are there to witness it all happening.

Okay, so what if everyone is there on time, and the bride and groom walk in together to be received by their guests… that’s all fine. But desis don’t usually know where to draw the line, so we have this new common trend of the entire immediate and sometimes extended family making a grand entrance.  People, this party is not about you!  Stop acting like you’re walking down a red carpet.  Instead, take some attention away from yourself and be more hospitable to your guests.

Conclusions

These are the feelings of guests attending a completely mismanaged wedding.  We are hungry, upset, unamused, and kind of annoyed that your program is taking up so much time.  Guests come to weddings to socialize and give glad tidings to the new bride and groom.  The longer your program is, the less time we have for what we came to do.  Unfortunately a lot of guests stop cooperating with the hosts and talk through programs and speeches, which makes the whole thing slightly more ridiculous.

Please, if you aren’t married, or if it is too late for you and your siblings aren’t married yet, consider these thoughts when planning a wedding program.  If you want to make an entrance at your wedding, I’ve found it helps to mark it on the invitation with a hard and fast time that you’re going to stick with.  If you want someone to talk at your wedding, try limiting it to two people.  Maybe a local imam and your father to welcome the guests.  Other friends and family will continuously tell you how much they love you throughout the wedding weekend, so there is no need to have them come up to the microphone and tell everyone else… what’s a Hallmark greeting card for after all?

What is an epic wedding?  It’s a wedding where the hosts go the extra mile to make anything and everything an “epic” moment.  From the procession, to the entertainment, clothing, dinner, seating, speeches and decorations.  Everything is made out to be a big “to-do”.

I’ve found that in the past year or so I have attended more and more epic weddings that have been nothing more than an epic fail. In the time I spent planning my wedding I kind of appreciated these weddings because they provided me with examples of what not to do.  But now that I am married, and I still have to attend these epic failures, it’s just getting old.

The interesting thing is that most of these epic weddings are failures based on the following points

1. Timeliness–guests are forced to sit and wait for the wedding to start for sometimes more than an hour
2. Program–guests are forced to sit through too many speeches
3. Seating–guests are forced to sit with or around members of the opposite gender
4. “Entertainment”–guests are forced to listen to music or live singing
5. Extravagance–guests are forced to find out just how much money you make and are willing to spend on your kids

Some weddings fail on some of the points, and some weddings fail on all of these points.  Note that all of these failures affect the guests.  When hosts think they are doing something epic, in actuality they are conjuring up ways to make guests uncomfortable and disappointed for 4 (or maybe 5 depending on how late the function runs) hours.

Through this new series I hope to share with you my thoughts on the epic weddings that I attend, one failure at a time.  But I also want to hear about experiences with epic weddings that turned out to be epic failures.  I don’t want to this become a series where I just bash on people who spend a lot of money on weddings.  I want there to be some good to come from this and come up with ways to advise the people on how to make their weddings more Islamically sound and socially acceptable.

So hold on to your ghararahs and shirwanis, because this is going to get interesting!

Alhumdu’lillahi rabil ‘alameen.

Saqib and I are first hitting up Newport, TN and staying in the above photographed, lovely inn called Christopher Place.  Next stop is Gatlinburg, TN, a town nestled in the heart of the Smoky Mountains.  It’s only 2 miles wide and filled with neat little touristy things to do.  On our agenda is horseback riding and a sky lift right over the town and mountains.

If you know Saqib and I, the first thing we planned out was what we’re going to eat for the next five days.  You can look forward to a reflection post for our meals.  And of course, pictures will be included!

Until then, sit tight and wait patiently for a lot of pictures and a lot reviews.

Not too much, I guess

Two Saturdays back, as was mentioned in the previous post, I had my ruksati wedding party with my one and only SaqibSaab.  Sunday we made a few rounds with different relatives, and Monday his parents left back to Illinois.  We didn’t leave Michigan until Tuesday.

 I was sad to leave my family, but hopeful because I knew I’d see all of my favorite people again at the end of the week, at my walima reception.  In the mean time, I adjusted to my new life in Illinois by unpacking loads of boxes filled with all the wrong things.  I learned something this week– I am the worst packer in the world.  I showed up at Saqib’s house with boxes of formal shoes and formal shalwar kameez.  So when I had to go to Target, all I could wear was a bareeze outfit with stillettos.  Fail.

Fortunately on Saturday, when my family came to Saqib’s house for a small BBQ, they brought my “regular” clothes.  I guess with those now tucked away, life is now “regular.”

Yesterday we went to the park with one of Saqib’s cousin’s daughter, who is unbelievably both adorable and well mannered; a very rare combination indeed.  She’s been here with her mom and little brother since this past week.  And she’ll be here in Illinois until the end of this week.

As for my plans for the end of the week, I’m still trying to adjust to a new life.  I have a new job lined up for myself in the Fall teaching Algebra 1 and Geometry at a local Islamic School, so I’ve been running around trying to get organized for that– but only just a bit.  I’m trying to focus more on relaxing (for once), having fun, and spending time with new family and friends.

Now before any of my readers in Michigan become fumed that I haven’t mentioned how sad I am to leave, I must add sometimes when I have a moment to myself, I’ll think about my house, my room, my friends, my parents, and my Fati, I get a tear in my eye and I whimper because I miss them all too much   It is hard living without the same comforts you’ve had for the past 22 years.

Before I start crying, I’m going to finish up this short recap of the past two weeks of my life.  I’ll finish catching up another time.  I hope this much will suffice.

This practice is actually a tradition of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, who married Ayesha, may Allah be pleased with her, and delayed consummation until she was older.

After over 18 months of being married by nikaḥ kitāba, today marks the day my husband and I will be having our “ruksathi” wedding party after which will begin to live our lives together forever, inshaAllah. After a wonderful year and a half of a beautiful relationship Allah blessed us with, we came up with what we feel is an essential survival guide for couples undergoing the same journey we just completed. If you are married by nikāḥ kitāba or will be in the future, then this list is for you.

1. Know your intention

Unfortunately, having the correct intention is often overlooked as the typically cliché and skip-over introduction point to anything. However, here as much as always, you will find it to be critically important. You, your spouse, and your families have agreed to join together in marriage and delay living together until later. In addition to being a tradition of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, it may also serve as a means of worshipping Allah. You could have decided to practice other less sound relationship methods, but instead chose to perform nikāḥ right away. Always remember this goal of pleasing Allah, as remembering Him in times of good as well as bad will make it much easier to reach the light at the end of the tunnel.

2. Don’t play games

With long distance relationships, communication via the phone or internet may become your relationship’s only lifeline. With such limitation, you’re going to run into some roadblocks in getting important cues and messages through to your significant other. Since you have no avenue to use physical gestures to express your feelings, don’t play guessing games with your spouse. If you’re upset, just say it! Both of you don’t want things to drag and the sooner you speak up, the sooner you’ll find yourselves laughing together again.

3. Understand that your spouse has another life

You may find yourself at times frustrated that your spouse is busy and can’t speak on the phone, or they don’t pick up the phone whenever you find the chance to call. Don’t stress it. This is simply a natural result of having a long-distance relationship. Whether the distance is across the globe or across the street, understand if the other is busy or cannot visit. Always believe they wish they could talk to you or see you more, and never accuse them of the opposite. There may be things on the other end you just cannot see to understand why they are so busy (i.e. actual fatigue, stress with school or career, family responsibilities, etc). Understanding that your spouse can be busy will help during times when communication and visits are hard to get going.

4. Increase your relationship with your in-laws

Use your time wisely to get to know not only one another but each others family while you’re at it. Of course it may be difficult to remember your in-laws when all you can think about is the wonderful new person in your life, but don’t forget the people that helped culture them in the first place. Make time to speak to in-laws on the phone, and remind your spouse to do likewise. When you visit one another don’t only try to run off alone. Instead, spend time with your parents and siblings-in-law and build a relationship while everything is still sort of “casual”. Making way for in-laws may require more effort than is needed for one’s spouse, but it will only strengthen the bond between you two for the long-run.

5. Make effort to schedule physical meetings

Not every couple in nikaḥ kitāba can easily visit one another, but if the means are there for you, take them. Physical interaction with one’s spouse is very important, and must be a part of your relationship if the possibility exists. Sure you’re limited to not being able to live with one another, but based on your agreed conditions in your marriage, make ways with your family and schedule to visit your spouse as much as you can. Being able to see one another can be one of the best ways to get through the time period which you have to endure before you eventually get to see each other every single day.

6. Strengthen your Iman with your spouse

You are undoubtedly going to find ways to visit one another, and even if you don’t you will find yourself talking to each other every day. Remember that you’re not just some random couple “dating” or in a relationship, you’re married and you’re Muslim. Therefore it’s important to build your Islamic relationship with one another. Find local events, seminars, classes, halaqahs, or conferences and make plans to go attend them together. Buy each other Islamic audio CDs and books to read and discuss. Or, just take it back to the basics: maintain a consistent daily reciting of Qur’ān and reading of the meaning to one another over the phone. Do something, anything; but just make you’re sure doing it and doing it consistently. You can have the best emotional, mental, physical and family relationship ever, but without a solid spiritual foundation, everything else will collapse.

7. Be yourself

Marriage can be a bit scary in the fear of wondering what the other person
will think about your habits, tendencies, and weaknesses. However, one of its beautiful aspects comes when you are able to be yourself in front of your spouse just the way you are, and your understanding and acceptance of one another further strengthens your love. Don’t try to hide behind formalities of what you think a spouse should or shouldn’t do. This is the time to be who you are and let your spouse get to know the real you without the added pressure of living together. If your spouse becomes familiar with your actual self before your wedding party, the transition should be a lot easier when that cherised time eventually comes, bi’ithniAllah.

We hope you’ve benefited from this list for your current or future marriage. This advice is in no way exhaustive, and there are many other tips for couples in nikāḥ kitāba, so if you have anything else, please feel free to share it here.

We ask Allah ‘azza wa jal to bless all couples everywhere and give us all the ability to preserve our communities’ relationships into the future, and that He makes marriage easy for those whom it is difficult and serve as a means to Jannah and His pleasure.

This is primarily because everyone and their mother kept referring to me as the dulhan (bride).  They kept asking me if the dulhan was excited, or if the dulhan was nervous, or if the dulhan was prepared for leaving, or if the dulhan was happy, etc.  After a while it became kind of… annoying.  First of all, it’s weird to ask me questions in the third person.  Second of all, I don’t like being called the dulhan!

I know it sounds wierd because clearly that’s what I am, but I don’t like it being pointed out.  And the main reason why is because when I’m called the dulhan I feel like people are expecting me to act like a typical “dulhan.”  And I don’t like being told how to act.

For example, during the dars some people kept trying to tell me I had to sit where everyone could see me.  I refused and said I was fine sitting in the back with my friends.  And then again at the end, an aunty wanted to make a quick du’a for me and my future, and again, people told me I had to go sit next to her.  Instead I stood around in the back.  And finally, during lunch, I was asked by my mother to move an empty salad bowl to another sink in another room, and when I picked it up someone told me, I wasn’t supposed to because I’m the dulhan.  Yea, well…

I am dulhan, hear me roar!

I think I’m going to explode if people keep telling me I can or cannot do things because I’m the dulhan.  I’m not some fragile little pansy that can’t think for herself or do things things for herself because she’s getting married.  I’m not going to fit into the mold of every other desi bride in the world and sit in specific places, or wear certain outfits, or do and say certain things. Wedding or not, I’ll do and say as I please; thank you very much!!

Next time someone calls me a dulhan, I’m going to growl in their face.  Just you wait and see!!