Imagine if we went berserk collecting good deeds the way we all obsess over good deals on black Friday. There is so much planning and preparing put forth for ONE day of sales at the mall.  Now imagine if that was multiplied by 30 days, and also if the deals were 70 times better!  I would line up for a deal like that the night before…

Which is exactly what I did!

Narrated Abu Huraira: I heard Allah’s Apostle saying regarding Ramadan, “Whoever prayed at night in it (the month of Ramadan) out of sincere Faith and hoping for a reward from Allah, then all his previous sins will be forgiven.”

Now *that* is one deal I cannot pass up!

Not that I hate love songs, but I don’t like ones with potentially destructive lyrics.  How are the lyrics for this song potentially destructive?

I imagine a girl, a young girl, who has her eye set on some boy that she knows.  Maybe it’s in school or at the masjid.  Maybe she’s talked to him once or twice, or maybe they talk all the time. Maybe her feelings for him are secret, or maybe they’re straight up dating.  But I imagine this girl listening to this song, and relating to the first few lines, and then just going along with the rest of it in her mind.

The song starts off describing a girl who was lost, confused, and lonely until she met a boy who liked her for who she is.  At last, she has found comfort in someone, and even better, it’s a boy!  Life is wonderful, because now her teenage dreams are becoming a reality:  I have a boyfriend.

Now let’s go back to our young girl listening to the song.  She’s enjoying the music, and she listens carefully and she is suddenly daydreaming about her teenage dream.  Hey… the boy I like thinks I’m pretty without any makeup on. And he laughs when I tel. the punch line wrong–*sigh* this song must be about me, and we must be in love, just like Katy.

The stage has been set:  two valentines in love.  Now, what’s the next prescribed step in the song?   Once this teenage dream has become a reality?   Here is where the destructive part comes in:  as our young girl is listening to the song, Katy transitions into some not so young ideas– Katy wants to go all the way with her boyfriend, and she is going to feel no regrets, just love.

Now I’m not advocating that a young Muslim girl who listens to this particular song is going to run out and commit zina (fornication), but I am saying that in the off chance that she is teetering on the thought of it (because let’s face it, she’s already gone so far as to find herself a boyfriend), then hey, if Katy’s song is giving her the warm fuzzies, then the entire song is giving her the warm fuzzies, and what Katy is singing about won’t be so bad.

It’s like the song is giving the kids written permission to think about and obsess over falling in love and going all the way.

She even tells you HOW to start it off:  1) meet up with friends somewhere 2) get drunk 3) seclude yourselves from the group and then 4) let him put his hands all over you when you’re wearing skin tight jeans (she even tells you what to wear!)

This song is a recipe for disaster–but we’ll all just let it slide by because it’s a “love song”, and blaming music for our societal problems is just extreme and way too conservative.

Now what about Katy’s male listeners?  I can’t even begin to imagine how much this song messes with them.  When they hear an older woman singing about letting a man put his hands on her in her skin tight jeans, and being a teenage dream for him, WHAT do you think our young male listener is going to think of the next time he attends an MSA meeting, or sunday school and sees the girl he kinda likes wearing a pair of skinny jeans???  You better BET he is going to think about putting his hands all over her.

Is what I’m saying too extreme?  Can I really blame one song and one woman for our current teenage problems?  Do these problems really exist?

First, I’m not being too extreme.  These problems are foreal, and these ideas and feelings are foreal.   Please don’t go through life thinking that teenagers aren’t loaded with hormones and totally in love with some idiot they know at school. Plus, I’d rather lean on the extreme side and be safe than be sorry.  Because in this case, being sorry is sometimes not enough.

Second, I’m not going to place the blame on one song or one singer.  The real problem is that teenagers are continuously surrounding themselves with TONS of songs and TONS of singers with EXTREMELY suggestive lyrics for committing destructive sins.  So no, Katy Perry-Teenage Dream is the not the end all, be all of zina-inducing music–I’m just picking on her song because it was easy.

Third, these problems DO exist in our communities.  Our teenagers are going through serious problems these days.  They are dating, they are doing drugs, they are touching each other, and let’s just say it:  they are committing zina.  And of the cases I’ve heard, the situations actually sound pretty close to what Katy is singing about:  a lost girl, a boy who understands her, bam– they’ve gone all the way.

What’s the point of all this?  Parents– take a look into your kids iPod and see what they’re listening to.  If you don’t want to listen to the music yourself, a simple google search will yield the lyrics to the song.  If it is inappropriate, don’t go nuts on them, TALK to them about how destructive and suggestive the lyrics are.

Teenagers–take a look into your iPod, and think about some of the lyrics to the songs you love to listen to.  I’m not going to even ask you to think about what Rasulullah (saw) would think about it, just think of your own parents.  If they were to read the lyrics, would you be embarrassed that you listen to that?  Also, try to assess how you feel when you listen to these songs– do you feel connected to the lyrics somehow?  If so, re-evaluate what you’re doing in your life… why do you, a practicing Muslim, feel a connection to a song about dating and committing zina?

Just some food for thought.

Well, it’s been 5 weeks since then, and Abdullah is now 6 weeks old.  He still has a hole in his heart, so you can imagine that means he still hasn’t had his surgery.

On the one hand, this is great news.  Alhumdulillah, Abdullah is doing really great.  Of all the symptoms that a child with a VSD can show, Abdullah only has one– his heart beats fast.  Otherwise, he’s eating well, gaining weight, sleeping well, not turning blue, breathing just fine, blood pressure is great, and the oxygen concentration in his blood is almost always at 100% Awesome!  I couldn’t be happier.

On the other hand, because he’s doing so great, the cardiologist has decided to postpone the surgery until an undecided date.  This worries me.  This worries me because the reason why we’re postponing the surgery is because he’s doing so well.  In my mind this is the perfect time to do the surgery:  here you go, surgeon, a healthy baby to operate on, with no complications! But apparently, a healthy baby isn’t a good enough reason to operate.

Okay, I get it.  The cardiologist said that we need a good enough reason, on paper, to operate.  On paper, Abdullah’s vitals are awesome, and we’re still not 100% sure the hole won’t close on its own.  The moment we can say otherwise, we’ll get a green light to operate.  In other words: if his health takes a turn for the worse (ie, congestive heart failure) then we’ll have a reason to go in for surgery.

I don’t want to wait for that to happen!  As a mom it makes me crazy at home, just watching him for signs of congestive heart failure.  Every time the poor kid works up a sweat because his mommy has him wrapped too tight in a blanket, I can’t decipher if he’s sweating ‘cuz he’s hot, or sweating because his heart is having a hard time pumping.  Or, when he’s drinking his milk, and he gets a little out of breath, I don’t know if that’s because he’s just hungry and drinking too fast, or if it’s because his lungs just aren’t strong enough for him to do the work.

I’m scared.  I’m scared, a lot.  I’m scared about all the time in between now and the surgery.

One of the tasks I’ve been given by Abdullah’s cardiologist is to make sure he stays healthy before his surgery. His heart can’t handle any type of infections (flus, colds, etc.)  This means that Saqib and I have basically locked ourselves in the apartment and are keeping visitors away.  But I don’t know how long that’ll be effective in keeping him healthy.  It’s one thing to keep “germy people” away… but what about germy parents??  What if I get sick, or Saqib gets sick… then what??  Do we stay away from Abdullah?  Is that realistic?  The chances of one of the two of us getting sick is going to increase as the winter months get closer and closer.  I’m not sure how long we can go without any germs in our apartment…

*sigh*  I guess all I can do is 1) trust in Allah and 2) listen to the doctors.  They are the professionals, afterall–they did go through years of medical school.  I’m guessing that the cardiologist is an expert on heart problems and probably knows what he’s talking about.  But, unfortunately, the maternal voice in my head is starting to get louder and louder, and it’s getting harder for me to shut it up.

“…and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.” (Surah Baqarah: 216)

This is true in all matters of life.  Sometime we think we’re the experts on our life and that we know what’s best.  Nope.  Allah knows what’s best, always.  Sometimes we don’t get why we have to do something, or wait, or whatever.  But in the end, we should remember that Allah planned something for us, and He is the Best Planner.

I guess wanting surgery soon may not be a good idea, and postponing it could be better for Abdullah–and that’s really all that I want.  Allah knows, and I don’t.  Gotta give it up to that.

In the meantime, I’m going to try my best to be patient and think happy thoughts:  sometimes I like to close my eyes and revisit my hospital room, Tuesday morning, on September 28th.  It was just me, my husband, and my baby:  no holes, no surgeries, no heart problems.  insha’Allah my family will come back to this feeling again.

اللَّهُمَّ رَحْمَتَكَ أَرْجُو فَلَا تَكِلْنِي إِلَى نَفْسِي طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ

وَأَصْلِحْ شَأْنِي كُلَّهُ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا أَنْتَ

We got to talking about all of that, and somehow the conversation took a turn for the bad.  She got really upset (teary eyed!) as she explained to me her frustrations with… aunties.  It seems that since she graduated and started working, every time an aunty asks her what she is doing in life, they didn’t really care about what they asked, they just wanted to know when she is planning on getting married.  Which I guess isn’t such a big deal, because my friend does in fact want to get married one day, as soon as the right person is presented to her–but that isn’t what the aunties asked her about.  They asked her about what she is currently doing in life, so she happily tells them.   They, meanwhile, are trying to redirect the conversation towards what they find to be a more important subject… why aren’t you married yet?

I find it exceptionally rude that the aunties will ask one thing, but not care to hear the answer for it, and instead try to point out to my friend that she is doing something wrong by working.

And the ONLY reason I find it exceptionally rude is because it hurts my friend’s feelings.  That”s the bottom line.  I’m sure that the intention of the aunty is not to be rude, but in fact to show elderly, loving, concern for this poor, lost girl.  BUT, the fact of the matter is that they did hurt her feelings, and that is all that matters.  And unfortunately that is something that these aunties can be held accountable for on the big DOJ–Day of Judgment.

Dear aunty, when you pry into my personal life out of genuine concern–you’re offending me and hurting my feelings.  I didn’t ask for your opinion about how to run my life, therefore you shouldn’t give me any advice, lest you say something that you shouldn’t say to me and then are held accountable for it on the Day of Judgment.

Dear aunty, I know I might be making a big deal out of an “isolated” incident–but it’s not isolated.  Sometimes you just don’t know when to stop with the questions and advice.  Why do you feel like at every stage of  a girl’s life, you are more than welcome to give her your somewhat rude input about what she should be doing, when, why and how.

When she’s in high school you’ll criticize your appearances by making out loud comments about her 1) weight, 2) height 3) complexion.  And then you’ll very obviously inspect her body, up and down, for the sake of your son or nephew.

When she’s in college you’ll want to know 1) why she plans on working (after her parents shelled out thousands of dollars for tuition)  2) why she picked a school “so far” from home 3)  whether or not she’s learned to cook because 4) she better get married REAL soon, otherwise she’ll be a lost cause like that other girl who is 27, working and STILL without a husband.

After she’s (thank God!)  gotten married, you’ll question 1) is that outfit from her mom or her mother in law?  2)  did she put on some weight?  3)  why is she still working 4)  WHEN WILL SHE HAVE  BABY ALREADY!!

Okay, so let’s say she makes it out of high school, goes to college, graduates, gets married, and within a time frame that YOU approve of she has a baby–does it end there?  One can only wish– after baby number one, when is baby number two coming???

Dear aunty, all of this is none of their business.  When you repeatedly ask about, in very obviously nosey ways, the inner details of our family life, you are offending an entire generation.  We very often loathe speaking to you.   And because you are offending us, and making us feel bad about ourselves, and making us feel like we’re doing something wrong (when more often than not, we aren’t doing anything wrong at all) you are only hurting yourself.  Imagine the silliness of it all, when it’s the Day of Judgment and you’re being held back by a bunch of younger girls that you spent the last half of your life offending.

Dear aunty, don’t you remember what it felt like when you were our age and there was some other elder that always badgered and belittled you for what you were doing in life?  Don’t keep the cycle going– treat us the way you had wanted to be treated.  Please don’t use your age against us, and tell us that as an elder you have the “right” to know everything about our lives.  And please don’t try to brainwash us into thinking that because you’re an elder you have the “right” to ask us anything.

What we all have the right to is respect and kindness.

The Prophet sal Allāhu ʻalayhi wa sallam said,

“The one who does not show respect to our elderly or mercy for our young is not from among us.”

[Aḥmad]

Dear aunty, if you think that the way our generation speaks about the elderly is disrespectful, maybe it’s because none of us have been shown enough mercy.  For once, when you ask about our lives–just listen to our answers and appreciate them for what they are.  Don’t ask more than you should– just a simple, “How’s school?”  “How’s work?”  “How are your parents?” is sufficient.  If we want to tell you more, when we feel comfortable, we will.

1. What happened to your face?
2. How much do you weigh?
3. I haven’t seen your spouse in a while, where is (s)he these days?
4. Are you pregnant?
5. Did you find a job yet?
6. Weren’t you married?
7. Is all that food for you?
8. You’ve put on some pounds, huh?
9. Is that what you’re wearing to the party?
10. Did your parents mind that your spouse is from [insert region of the world here]?

By the way, all of these questions weren’t directed at me.  I’ve heard others being asked and it made my jaw drop.

Please feel free to add to this list.

I guess that’s the most important part about the last 10 days or Ramadan.  Really cutting back on the luxury of sleep and using the few eight Power Hours of night we’re given to truly feel Ramadan and worship Allah in the best possible ways.  Here are some of activities that are easy to do, that I like:

1)  Making extra dhikr at any free opportunity–really restrain yourself from useless talk (especially gossip).  Just saying something as simple as subhanAllah wa bihamdihi, subhanAllah al atheem is light on the tongue but heavy on the scales

2) Read Qur’an as a form of dhikr–recite it outloud and try to make your voice beautiful.  Then make sure to read the meaning to get the most benefit from the activity.

3)  Pray in the last third of the night–even if it’s just one set of two rakaah.  Take advantage of your sajjud and closeness to Allah by asking Him for ANYTHING for this life and the next.  Be honest with yourself and realize that He is truly the only One who can give any of us what we want, and more importantly, what we need.

4) Make du’aa for your parents–you and I both know they deserve it.

Allahumma a’inee ‘ala dhikrika, wa shukrika, wa husni ibadatik! (O Allah, help me remember You, expressing gratitude to You and worship You in the best manner, ameen.)

First:  AbdelRahman did a couple things from a speaker’s end vital for a good event.

1)  The speaker was on time (read, early) greeting people as they came in–this is VERY important as a teacher.
2) The speaker was prepared and organized with a power point presentation–also VERY important when teaching.  It shows your audience/students that you cared to prepare something a head of time, that it required thought, and effort.

3) The speaker asked for the sisters to be seated in the main masjid–this gave us a better opportunity to focus and pay attention
4) The speaker was interactive with the audience, asking questions and seeking different ideas and opinions–this made the class a group effort, and not just your average “boring” lecture
5) The speaker provided a break in the middle of class–people could check phones, and say salaam to people that walked in after them
6) The speaker encouraged people to seek knowledge, not just on the topic he was given, but in general–this gives the audience/students the idea that the subject does not only exist in the masjid between 11:30AM-1:30PM on Sunday, but it’s something that is always on-going and has many facets.

Second:  I personally enjoyed the class because of the warm fuzzy feeling in the room.  I hadn’t had this feeling in a long time–being in a room and knowing that angels were surrounding us.  Surrounding us because we gathered to remember Allah.  Knowing that almost 100 people got out of bed, came out of their houses and drove to ICN to learn something about their religion.  We all came with the intent to improve ourselves.  We all came knowing that there was more about Islam than we knew at the time.  We all came knowing that someone could teach us what we wanted/needed to know, and all we had to do was make the effort to attend.

On top of that, considering the age of the teacher, it was a joy, a true joy, to see a student of knowledge give back to his community.  How often have we seen students enthusiastic about learning about Islam, but not able to share his/her enthusiasm with others?  Whether it is because their local community will not accomodate them to teach others, or because the student themself just likes to sit on his/her new knowledge.  It is so refreshing to see someone take knowledge from a scholar, and pass it on to his community back home.  I wish more people would do this.  I truly wish they would.  Otherwise, what’s the point of all of us learning anything in the first place?

I know it’s kind of a weird way to wish you a blessed Ramadan, but I’ve been going through some changes in thought when it comes to eating in the past few months. And it’s all I can think about now that Ramadan is upon us.

First, it all started with taking Precious Provisions in June.  It’s a class about the fiqh of food and clothing taught by Sh. Yasir Qadhi for AlMaghrib Institute.  One of the things that he mentioned was that it is in the perfection of our character to not over do it when it comes time for eating.  Of the hadiths that he mentioned, one stuck out in my mind especially.  There is no container more evil to fill than your stomach, and just a few morsels is sufficient to keep the back straight [Tirmidhi and Ibn Majah].  This is referring to, of course, over eating, and taking way more than is necessary to survive.

After that class I felt a little embarassed to take a big plate of food and eat it like it was my job.  Embarrassment faded, and disgust rolled in after I watched the documentary Super Size Me where I witnessed what an obscene diet of too many calories can do to your body!  Since then I don’t really like eating out anymore, and I definitely try to keep in mind how many calories I’m consuming.  I was convinced… smaller portions are better for me spiritually and physically.

So, I spent the past two months of summer trying to cut back on whatever I could.  Unfortunately at a party or two, or while visiting relatives, I ended up indulging a little, but not too much.  I’ve been pretty good, alhumdu’lillah.  And I hope to continue in this routine insha’Allah.

Ramadan was around the corner a few weeks ago, and I thought to myself, “Will I be able to keep up this down sized diet in Ramadan?  The fasts are almost 15 hours long!  I’ll need to eat more to keep myself alive, for sure.“  But then I attended jumuah at IFS where Sh. Abdool Rahman Khan gave everyone an ear full about over eating in Ramadan.  He said Muslims today waste more food than ever, especially in the month of Ramadan– a time when we are trying to learn what it is to be thankful for the bounties of Allah by restraining ourselves per His request.

My God, he was right.  I thought about how much iftar people make, and how if we regularly eat to our fill of pakoray, fruit chaat, patties, samosay, cholay, dahi baray, etc… we end up wasting dinner.  Or on the flip side, when we make a conscious effort to cut back on iftar food… we end up wasting that because someone inevitably is going to prepare tons of it because, “It’s Ramadan, and we have to make it.  It’s what we do in Ramadan.“  What a tragedy!  Wasting so much food on ourselves or in the trash.  (A lot of the food does end up in the trash because there are hardly any opportunities to eat left overs in Ramadan)

Then I heard another speech just a few days before Ramadan by Sh. Muhammad Alshareef called The Fasting and the Furious.  He specifically mentioned over eating in Ramadan.  His main point was that some of us consume so much food when we break our fasts, that we feel absolutely lethargic during the night prayers.  Even worse, we are unmotivated to get up for sahur, a Sunnah of the Prophet sallalahu alayhi wasalaam, because “Well, I ate so much last night, I don’t really need to eat in the morning.“  We are doing our bodies and our souls a disservice by consuming so much food in Ramadan.  When we don’t eat all day, our metabolism slows down dramatically.  So when we gorge ourselves on fried foods and plates of dinner, all that food just sits in our stomachs like a rock when we go to pray, a short 15 or 30 minutes after our meals are done.

Anyway you look at it, over eating is a bad idea, ESPECIALLY in the month of Ramadan.   Just because we’re fasting doesn’t mean we can binge on food during the night hours.  Instead we should try to maintain our regular eating habits, and really focus on increasing our taqwa–the main purpose of this month.  I don’t know about you… but massive indigestion and over eating might get in the way of that for me.

May Allah help us to truly benefit during this month and may He make us more thankful servants to Him with increased taqwa, ameen.  Ramadan Mubarak to you all

December 6th, 2008

Through this new series I hope to share with you my thoughts on the epic weddings that I attend, one failure at a time.  But I also want to hear about experiences with epic weddings that turned out to be epic failures.  I don’t want to this become a series where I just bash on people who spend a lot of money on weddings.  I want there to be some good to come from this and come up with ways to advise the people on how to make their weddings more Islamically sound and socially acceptable.

So hold on to your ghararahs and shirwanis, because this is going to get interesting!

My first topic of choice is going to be targeting the program of an epic wedding, and what causes it to become an epic fail.

American-Desi Wedding

Weddings in the motherland don’t normally run into this problem.  People back at home know what is important at a wedding–the marriage contract and dinner.  The problem starts stateside, where desis are now trying to incorporate American cultural norms and traditions into our cultural norms and traditions to create some type of blockbuster summer wedding program extravanganza.

What do I mean?  Well at a typical non-Muslim American wedding there is the actual wedding ceremony in a church followed by a reception.  Usually at the reception there are some set parts of the evening:  the bride and groom are received by guests as the new Mr and Mrs; the best man and the maid of honor each propose a toast; the cake is cut; there is the first dance; and last but not least, the bouquet is thrown into a crowd of the bride’s friends.  Each of the moments is expected and takes very little time.  There are only two speeches–which are toasts, and only take about a minute or two max.  All of these practices, by the way, are appreciated by all the guests, because there are only about 100 of them there!  Nothing takes up a lot of time because there is not a huge crowd to manage.

In our weddings, on the other hand, there are about 500 people, average.  So if there is going to a be a program, it requires a lot of planning–planning on a conference-size level.  Planning that requires all the guests have arrived (on time, not a chance), that they are seated (busy eating a samosa, sorry), that they’ll all show interest in what you have to say(not going to happen, because no one cares what your chacha has to say about you.) 

Too Many Speeches

As it is, maybe if desis stuck to having the TWO toasts/speeches it’d be manageable.  However, at some weddings I’ve seen a list of 17 names lined up to give a speech.   And what is it?  Usually someone’s nana is calling in via conference call to say salaam.  Someone’s old mamu gets up to read a poem in a language half the crowd doesn’t understand.  The father stands up to give a list of who came from where, and how much it was appreciated they could make it.  The best friends come up to bash on their bride/groom friend.  Siblings reveal embarrassing and horrible stories about living with you, playing it off as “loving advice” to your new spouse.  A slide show plays featuring some of your ugliest pictures and some of your best… both types something you’d probably not want a crowd of hundreds to see.  And so on, and so forth.  It’s a night of “laughs and tears”…

Let’s be honest, no one besides your closest friends or family cares about the program.  Therefore, if you wanted to say all your loving/embarrassing words to the bride or groom say it at home where people want to hear it.  Don’t bother your guests with the longest program ever that is going to keep them from dinner.  After a while it just feels like each person on the microphone is a hurdle between the guests and their dinner plate… guests shouldn’t be forced to feel this way!

The Walk In

Besides speeches, desis have also adopted some of the other traditions of an non-Muslim American wedding.  For example the bride and groom are received by all the guests as a new Mr. and Mrs.  Okay, that’s fine if all the guests are there on time.  The couple just has to walk in.  But as we all know, no one comes on time to a wedding, so the bride and groom are sometimes forced to wait for everyone to arrive to be received by the guests.  This is rather ridiculous because they’re missing their own party!  And what’s worse is, that 17-name speaker list I mentioned earlier isn’t going to start until the bride and groom are there to witness it all happening.

Okay, so what if everyone is there on time, and the bride and groom walk in together to be received by their guests… that’s all fine. But desis don’t usually know where to draw the line, so we have this new common trend of the entire immediate and sometimes extended family making a grand entrance.  People, this party is not about you!  Stop acting like you’re walking down a red carpet.  Instead, take some attention away from yourself and be more hospitable to your guests.

Conclusions

These are the feelings of guests attending a completely mismanaged wedding.  We are hungry, upset, unamused, and kind of annoyed that your program is taking up so much time.  Guests come to weddings to socialize and give glad tidings to the new bride and groom.  The longer your program is, the less time we have for what we came to do.  Unfortunately a lot of guests stop cooperating with the hosts and talk through programs and speeches, which makes the whole thing slightly more ridiculous.

Please, if you aren’t married, or if it is too late for you and your siblings aren’t married yet, consider these thoughts when planning a wedding program.  If you want to make an entrance at your wedding, I’ve found it helps to mark it on the invitation with a hard and fast time that you’re going to stick with.  If you want someone to talk at your wedding, try limiting it to two people.  Maybe a local imam and your father to welcome the guests.  Other friends and family will continuously tell you how much they love you throughout the wedding weekend, so there is no need to have them come up to the microphone and tell everyone else… what’s a Hallmark greeting card for after all?

I know this is a common feeling people have because I’ve actually heard people complain about that exact circumstance before.  I’ve even heard people say that it makes them feel unimportant, kind of loserish, and even slightly rejected.

Is that the way a host or hostess should feel?  Someone who is so kind as to invite you over to his or her house?  Apparently not, according to our beloved Rasulullah sallalahu alayhi wasalaam

Abu Hurayrah (radhiyallaahu ‘anhu) narrated that the Messenger of Allaah (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said, “The rights of the Muslim upon the Muslim are six.” It was said, “And what are they Oh Messenger of Allaah?” He replied, “When you meet him, give him the greeting of peace, when he invites you, respond to his invitation, when he seeks your advice, advise him, when he sneezes and praises Allaah, supplicate for mercy upon him, when he becomes ills, visit him, and when he dies follow him (i.e. his funeral).”  [Sahih Muslim]

Imagine that, as a host it is your right as a Muslim that when you give an invitation, your guests respond.  It is your right that if they don’t have a valid excuse, they must attend your invitation.  It is your right that if your guests tell you they are coming, that they come on time.

This problem of not RSVPing, not attending parties, or not even coming on time, is very common in the Muslim ummah.  Now stop for a minute, before you start to visualize an old uncle or auntie showing up late.  This is now a problem amongst OUR generation–a problem that we complained our parents had about proper etiquette and manners.

If we know how horrible it feels to have people flake out on our parties or come late, we shouldn’t be doing this to others!  If we are invited somewhere, we must respond and go on time.  We need to tell our hosts as soon as we know that we can or cannot come.  A host has preparations to make, and if we think that we can wait until the last minute to figure out whether or not we want to show up, we are most definitely not giving our Muslim brother or sister his or her right that we respond to his or her invitation.

Please keep in mind that once we say we are going to attend, we need to fulfill our promise! We can’t just disappear at the last minute and not attend. We need to make every effort to make sure we are there where we’re supposed to be.  Afterall, doesn’t it hurt to be stood up?  Why hurt our Muslim brother or sister?

And another thing, once we’ve RSVPd, and really make it out the door, let’s make sure we arrive on time!  A party doesn’t start when we show up.  The world does not revolve around our schedules.  If someone goes out of their way to kindly invite us to a gathering, we had better come on time to show that we respect our host. There is so much that goes into planning a party or any gathering.  Making food, planning activities, speeches, whatever.  When people are late, it is very stressful for the host.  It isn’t fair that a host should be worrying about when the guest will arrive so that they can start their program.

This is the case in social and public gatherings, or private parties.  All hosts have a schedule they want to run by, including preparation time (which starts well before the party), serving dinner/starting a speech, having time for socializing, and also getting cleaned up at the end.  When we decide to come late (because let’s be honest, it really is a decision we make.  Being late is very rarely an unavoidable accident) we are throwing off the schedule, and quite possibly making our over worked host not only stressed out, but also tired and worried about how late the event is going to go until.

Do not think our choice to be late doesn’t effect others.  By arriving late, we are making those who had the courtesy to arrive on time wait around for us!  Why is that the people that show no concern for timeliness have everything hang on their arrival?  This is a common occurrence at public speeches.  The speaker arrives on time to an audience of five people.  So what happens?  Instead of rewarding those who made the effort to come on time, they are forced to wait around for everyone else who didn’t care to do the same.  Do you know what the result is?  The people who once cared to come on time realize there is no point of being there, and they’ll start coming late, too.

Guests and audience do not get to decide how the schedule is going to be.  And for some reason, people think this to be true.  We all know the case with weddings:  invitation says 7:00PM, “Oh, we’ll leave the house at 7:15, no one is going to be there on time anyway.  And they can’t start without the guests.”

So that’s that?  The guests get to control the timing of the party?  NO!  The host does because… it’s their right!  

Please, no more lame excuses about generations of acceptable PST, DST, BST, AST, whatever.  The standard time is what is on the clock! We need to stop using our cultural baggage as an excuse because we are all fully capable of being places on time:   Don’t we go to the doctor on time?  or work?  What about college classes?  We don’t just stroll in when we feel like it, do we?  Didn’t think so… because we know it’s impolite and disrespectful to keep someone waiting.  But is that only our concern for non-Muslims?  We can be rude and disrespectful with our Muslim brothers and sisters?

That doesn’t make any sense, especially since it is every Muslim’s right that their invitations are responded to and upheld with respect.  And you know what? Since it’s a host’s right, unfortunately, they can hold all this injustice against them… against us on the Day of Judgment!  Seems like a pretty lame reason to lose good deeds when we’ll all be desperate for them?  Couldn’t make it to a party on time.  Strolled in late for a wedding.  Flaked out on a birthday party.  Never RSVPd for a graduation BBQ.  Showed up 30 minutes late to an Islamic lecture and kept everyone waiting.

It may not seem like a big deal, but it is a major injustice!  Keep it real, RSVP and be on time!